October 07, 2003 - 5:58 a.m.
The headmaster of a boarding school named after the famous knight, Sir Tan Lee Lightloafer 1, (famous for his two lines: "I'll do anything thrice." and "I'll do anything for a laugh, as many times as people laugh at what I'm doing.", as well as famous for forsaking the flesh of any woman to achieve chaste purity in the eyes of the church. This lead to his not having a blood Heir, but also the allowing him to name his ever present and loyal brother in chastity, and squire's sister's soon to be renamed and baptized at the age of 16 as Sir Tan Lee Lightloafer the 2nd, as a gesture of appreciation from the church and king for setting the chaste example that knights should live following. ), addresses an assembly of students concerning recent events.
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"All right, settle down, settle down.
We are here to discuss the lack of safe habits being showcased by the student body as of late.
Hopefully the list of substitutions and alternative methods that my staff has put together will harden your resolve to lower the injury rate just as it has hardened my staff's.
I will start by reading a particular activity or habit tha has cuased previous injury to those of the student body, followed by the Staff's advice on how to deal with such occasions. Please note that the Staff absolutely wilts each time a student is uncomfortable, let alone how each member feels after coming upon an injured student. It's not their fault the members are all really just softies int the end, so try to take that into consideratoin and pay attention to the advice.
Ok, let me see.....
Yes, over the years running in the halls has caused injury to many students, from Scraped Knees to Broken Bones. Since both of those alumni regularly visit the school for meetings and fund raisers, I imagine you all have a pretty good idea of what running in the halls can lead to. And in case you don't, let me just say that Mr. Knees is fully justified in his refusal to wear the usual school swimming trunks when participating in the end of the year Pool Dive Drive(which will itself be addressed later on). And Mr. Bones will freely tell anyone who asks about the member he injured when running one day, and how how the resulting members' inablitiy to get up in the morning affected the whole Staff's performance for two months. The details are best told by them though.
It has been decided that if a student finds he would only get to class on time by running in the halls, the student should walk to class, be late, and they will be given a chance to explain so. Well thats generous of them, no more immediate detention. I suggest not overusing that excuse for tardiness, though that should go without saying. Further more, all students caught running in the halls will automatically be entered into the new end of the year event, Running In Circles Till Everyone Falls race, to be held on the excersize mats from the gym.The only winners are the people not forced to participate in the race.
Well, what's next, hmmm....
Oh, before I continue I want to clarify that the newly posted signs of No Running Into Walls was not a missprint, it was a campaign targeting the few students who have been diagnosed with depth perception problems. These shall as always remain nameless. And I offer my sincerest apologies for the backfiring of the campaign, since the signs were on walls, and in order to read them, the students who had the problem in the first place couldn't...Well, after the 300 percent raise in wall running injuries, we have pulled the signs, and again, I'm sorry, and I hope those three students can forgive me.
Lets continue.
Living at school, even a fine school like this, can lead to dissagreements with people who you are still required to live with afterwards, without causing injury to them. This has been broken down into a couple problem areas.
An appaling number of the students seem to have taken to handling things using old fashioned sayings and means. Usually not so bad an idea, except these ways have been followed literally to the wording of the saying or name of the tradition. I feel that since there are no Jehovah's Witnesses or students raised in other religions that follow minute detail in old translated words expecting to not look crazy, there is no reason for the number of injuries students have recieved while handling arguements.
The eye for and eye, tooth for a tooth debacle of last April being only the first example. Just in case you were wondering, losing an eye causes the loss of depth perception. Now you can see how this would snowball. Under each of your seats today, you will find a small cloth draw string bag, inside of which can be found five Scrabble I's of wood, and your parents have grasciously sent along your baby teeth. From now on anyone not using those items when claiming to be invoking the the custom will be immediately expelled.
No more ducks, geese, or potatoes will be lent to students without a teacher vouching in person that it is needed for class. Too many students are getting treated for foul bites, and too many potatoes pulled from orifices after dissatisfying tie breakers or random choices.
No more drawing straws. You might have heard rumors but let me set you straight: Yes Ms. Cammel is on extended injury leave. Yes her injury is back related. Yes she was found sprawled out at the paper recylcle bin. Yes the fall was apparently caused by slipping on a piece of paper. But as to whether that piece of paper had a drawing of a straw on it, or who the piece of paper had belonged to, I am afraid it is impossible to tell, since the stack of hay she was carrying caused her to sneeze at just the same moment she slipped, and she claims the paper must have been taken when the hay was removed. Incidentily the needle found by the paper bin is still in the lost and found, will the owner please get it, we've tied a red bow to it so it won't be hard to find.
On with the overly literal translations section... Yes, here we go, and I must say, I am most dissappointed with those who have participated in this barbaric travesty. Any student found settling any dissaggreement or making a choice that is found using rocks, paper, or scissors, will be expelled. As will anyone who brings the objects to the staff, even if they were not involved, or are simply ratting out the actual players. We all know the incident with a certain student last week, who was in such a rush to show the nearest teacher the scissors he had found being used, that he ran in the hall with them, missing the door to the classroom due to his previous losing of an eye and subsequent problem with depth perception, he ran into a wall and then fell on the scissors, requiring five stitches, which we luckily have the temporary means of producing. The need for this assembly was seen after this injury. As well as the new No Punning With Scissors rule. I know you can now understand how dangerous even a second hand pun can become.
What's wrong?
Yes? Well?
Well I assure you three that we didn't forget to put your pouches under your seats.
Just reach deeper in.
Trust me, you wont be able to see it, it must have been pushed back into the, uhm, dark.
Well allright, will one of you please see to helping them? Thank you.
Don't worry, I am sending a Staff Member to fish it out for each of you. No need to worry, the member will ge as deep as he needs to, he is experienced in these things. Yes yes, many a time he's helped me out. Has twice the reach I do, and is very thorough, seems to have a rythm that helps him out, keeps him patient, in case he has to wait for it. Like with the gerbil in the Professor's hole two weeks ago. With how long the member was in the hole, it was a good thing he paced himself, otherwise he might have lost the gerbil. But as I said it really drained him, he was shuddering and pale. Though with how smelly that hole is, I am not surprised he couldn't walk after finally getting out of the hole.
What?
Well, oh...yes, I see you are right, I could have been more specific, but I guess the same goes for both the member and the gerbil.
You, yes, please repeat your question a little louder please?
I should hope not, at least not till he has cleaned it out by sticking a water hose in there and flushing it out. And don't any of you students go anywhere near the Professors hole until it's cleaned. I wish I knew what it was for so I could get rid of it, but the man has tenure, and all I can get in answer out of him is that it is some kind of alternative Experiment or something. It is quite strange though, and definitely has special worth as far as holes go.
Explain? Well, I guess since the member still has his head under your seats....
A few years back I had gotten a whif of the Professor's hole, and really insisted that if he didn't do something about it, I would. Usually so protective of his hole, he surprised me by saying I was welcome to try whatever I wanted. So I went to the storage rooms and got what I thought I would need to fill the hole up once and for all.
I got back and he was waiting with his hole ungaurded and uncovered.
Since I had only the one idea, and no real experience, I tried filling the hole with caulk. I tried from every angle, for hours, till I was red in the face. But no matter how much caluk went in, there was always room for more. One special hole, let me assure you...
Yes, oh good, you all have your bags. Yes, didn't I say you would all be satisfied with the members' performance?
Alright.
Oh, drat, it's time for dinner.
Well, take what I have said so far into carefull consideration, and we will return tomorrow to finish up with the rest of the Staff's list.
Good night all.
Someone help those three to find the door."
6:58 p.m. - November 21, 2003
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