June 24, 2003 - 5:59 a.m.
You know, I admit to living up to my signs' generally excepted attributes, such as being so focused on viewing other planes and trying to see things from other angles that I miss alot of what is right in front of my face. I admit to being a little flighty, to have no understanding of order and forms of organizing things, or even thoughts.
OK, there, I said it, or at least typed it.
Now, all that aside, how in all the different belief's collective Hells did I miss that my best friend was moving on sunday? it is quite possible that I was that self involved this past week, what with my living situation appearing to me to not be on steady ground for a couple days(thanks be to whoever for that getting straightened out), perhaps I just did not see or conscieously take in the IM conversation in which he told me.
I called dylan on Sunday to chat, and then found out that he was in the process of setting up his new room. I confused series of minutes all in a row passed for me, as he explained to me the how's,why's,when's, and where's of his moving. It seems his roomate in Penn bought a girlfriend and then they started dating a house with big garage. or something like that. when the roomate and his girlfriend moved into the house, they invited Dylan along as well, which I think was quite daring, since he had just met the house and was taking his roomate's word that it was what it was trying to come accross as.
Somewhere along the line dylan also got a girlfriend, though he probably didn't buy one, he tends to get them through silent police auction I think.
So I sat and tried to work past how stunned I was that all this had happened without me knowing. At first I didn't accept that I might have been told all this, so I thought that I had just been left out of the loop accidentily.
But as I started going over in my mind all the things that had happened, how they related to my life, and how this move was making me feel finding out so late, I remembered that I was still on the phone with Dylan. He was going over everything that had happened for me, and I was only half paying attention, surely only getting the garbled version, and finally it sunk in that I most likely Had been told about it many times, and just plain never heard what was being said.
And that period of self realization was followed by an hour of feeling like a huge asshole, and not that good of a friend. This "self realization" didn't lead to the affecting of great inner changes on my part.
There is no way I can, at this late date, change the way my mind works so I only think of one thing at a time, instead of my current standard of 7 things similtaneously, and a handfull of other thoughts loosely in the front of my mind at once. Maybe if I thought about half as many things at once as I actually do, I could be sure not to miss things like this. But since that is over-all impossible, I've decided to try to gauge the importance of the conversation at the outset, and either take written notes, or save the IM so I can review it and make sure Dylan isn't moving again to Utah or some shit without me knowing about it.
Still, I guess it's not like I missed all that much detail wise. He moved 20 miles from where he had lived in Penn, a place I hadn't been able to visit, to a new house in Penn, which I have not had a chance to visit. Doesn't seem all that earth shattering. Although it does unfortunately hint that he plans to stay in Penn longer than he had initially planned.
Well, as long as he's happy, and is satisfied with whichever model girlfriend he ended up with, I am going to say I am happy for him, while at the same time quietly missing him alot, since that how friends hide their feelings from other friends to protect them from second hand moodswings. Just like I keep telling my sister, if you are feeling something strongly but know it wouldn't help to let everyone know about it, then lie.
That way, you can keep the feelings all to yourself, and they can safely fester inside your mind, eating away at what sanity remains, without causing unnecessary emotional discomfort to your loved ones. A family will gladly overlook a few shallow backyard graves and the odd missing pet over the years if by doing so they can be not involved in a single family member's emotional upheaval. Who wouldn't, when it comes down to it?
As long as the person remembers to regularly go to a tanning salon to keep from turning pastey white after all the hours of painfull angst-ridden solitude in the basement trying to sew the best parts of three cats, a dog, and five flying squirrels together in another sadistic torture session that can be easily explained if caught. Playing dumb and pretending you had thought that was how you genetically engineered things. They'll buy it, hook line and sinker, as long as you're tanned.
And, as I keep trying to explain to my sister, if you do find yourself as the emotional dumpster of the family, be sure to empty yourself regularly, just as with the weekly taking out of the trash. Except instead of dumping all the backed up emaotoins in a bag, you fill your brain with chemicals, scrubbing clean with drugs all those hard to reach emotions, till you fall out or come down hard and are ready to start taking everyone elses emotional trash again.
It's all so obvious I feel just a little awkward having to point it out, but thats what older brother's are for, right?
6:58 p.m. - November 21, 2003
11:55 p.m. - November 15, 2003
8:23 p.m. - November 15, 2003
3:38 a.m. - November 10, 2003
7:46 a.m. - October 27, 2003
